Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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