I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
