Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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