Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize