Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
