Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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