And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
