I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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