1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
