Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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