I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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