Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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