life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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