You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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