I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
