They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
