First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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