I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
