he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
