Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
