everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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