New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
