Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
