I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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