His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
