My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
