I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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