My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
