I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
