I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize