I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
