He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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