i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
