he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
