Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A+ Viking dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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