My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Pooping to opera.
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