nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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