do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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