I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
