I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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