I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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