Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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