OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
