so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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