I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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