I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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