Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
