i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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