The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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