I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
