I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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