i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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