Just fell off a train. Bad.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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