Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
