I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
