Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
