Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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